Dear The Take: I am what you would call “unique”. I love who I am, I love being unique, and I would never change that for anybody. Prince is my idol because we both are unique and unashamedly ourselves. Like many other high schoolers, I’m a romantic, and I want to find a good love with someone who likes me back as much as I like them. The thing I’m stressed about though, is that there are a lot of people on the outside who are judging who I am and who my preferences are, as well as my average height. People judge my kind, gentle & happy personality, my preferences in terms of looks and personality, and my average height, which they say women only like tall men. It doesn’t help that society and the media often amplify these messed-up theories. I’m totally proud of the person that I am, but sometimes those mean comments and mean impressions of me kind of put down my self-esteem, up my insecurity about the future, and put negative thoughts in my head. So now whenever I see someone I have a crush on, my brain goes numb because all of the negative media and comments are what you would say “crashing my brain” like a computer. Since I can only control what I do and think, what can I do to help un-numb my feelings and be able to be myself and not have a wave of negative thoughts whenever I see someone I like?
Rockin’ & Not Stoppin’,
– Jo
Dear Jo,
It sounds like we have a case of falling in love. First, we must disassemble who can and cannot be in a successful relationship. I know that with a slew of dating/relationship advice profiles across all forms of social media, many people have something to add when it comes to what type of person is attractive. But when it comes to growing relationships, or even talking to those you find attractive, everything lies in your actions. You can do all the beauty care in the world, or dress up every day like you’re meeting the president, but if you say nothing to the person you hope to get to know better, nothing will happen. Most of the time, the people who make you doubt your looks and personality don’t truly understand the mechanics of a proper relationship. Looks can only take you to surface-level connection in a relationship, but for that deeper connection that you seemingly hope for, what you communicate and how you communicate it is key. Because of this, the biggest attractor on all levels of relationships is energy. Prince is a perfect example of this. Not only is he unashamed in himself but outwardly cocky about it. From his stare to his walk, his presence is distinct. You can also hone a similar type of presence within yourself, but you need to find the strengths within your insecurities before you do so.
You can change the connotation of almost everything about yourself by how you present your unique traits. Personality is all about perception. You already have a good grip on who you are, so the next step is to own it. Positive affirmations and journaling can help you become even more secure about yourself, but the process of staying strong about who you are will take some time and comes with experience. Because most teens hold preconceived notions about others, it’s important to know that every unreasonably negative comment towards you reflects something about the person who states it. If the comment is negative, they aren’t the best candidate to tell you about yourself. The best assurance for who you are is self-assurance.
When it comes to new crushes, the biggest way to get over that mind-numbing feeling is to learn more about the person. When we first interact with people we believe to be attractive, our mind instantly puts them on a pedestal. It’s important to remind yourself that they are just as ordinary as everyone else is. You can start with little compliments on their hair and outfit, or ask questions about their interests. Everyone has a story about themselves, and hearing about them may humanize your perception of who they are. Small conversations can also create a small relationship between the two of you. Dating doesn’t instantly happen over one date; lots of people hold off for months before making your relationship official. Taking it slow is nothing to worry about. In conversations with someone you fancy, it is also key to pursue someone who takes an
interest in being in a relationship. If you genuinely want to develop something more than a friendship with someone else, being aware that there is a possibility of a relationship can save you a lot of time and effort.
Most importantly, you must understand that dating is more than just being with someone you like. Dating allows you to expand socialization skills, develop a stronger sense of your values, learn how to compromise, and more. So don’t get hung up on finding the right one, because you must explore your own interests first. Although the idea of finding love is the dream, you must know that the love you hope for is already within you. Finding someone to share it with only unlocks a portion of it. So don’t feel discouraged, but open to the journey. You may find love in unexpected places.
Sincerely,
The Take
